How I see myself…..

I recently stumbled upon a facebook post called “Selfies”, it is basically a commercial sponsored by Dove.  It was so inspirational! If you have about 8 minutes check it out…

http://unlooker.com/selfie/

See I have this problem…. I hate my face!  I don’t find myself pretty, never have.  I don’t find myself ugly either.  I just hate my face. I was never the pretty girl, or the popular girl.  I wasn’t one with many boys asking me out. I am a regular “girl next door”.  You will always find me behind the camera not in front of it.  Now this is probably normal for most of us woman – probably a lot of men too…. and it got me thinking.

Oh hell!  “She is thinking again, not sure what good can come out of this!”

Anyway….

I have this problem of self analyzing.  My husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am.  But he loves me, and sees all of me, and as much as it feels good to hear it, I still know it isn’t true.  Well at least that is what I thought until I watched that video, and through the tears that I couldn’t stop as I watched,  I realized something – Maybe, just maybe there is something beautiful about me.  Not just my soul, but something on the outside that people see everyday.

Maybe.

I wondered… If I take pieces of my face (not the whole face)… would I find something beautiful?  So what’s a girl to do?  Well open Photoshop of course…..

I searched for a picture of me, like I said I am usually behind the camera, so this wasn’t very easy.

I looked at my eyes….

You may not believe that I am smiling in this picture.  I look sad.  And man…. I need to do something with those eyebrows!  Why do I see such pain in eyes when the face is smiling?

Than I looked at my nose…..

Yelp…. looks like a nose.  Small pointy, witchy nose.  I mean who really cares about the nose it is only there to smell things anyway!

Then my mouth…..

This is a really good picture of my smile.  I hate my teeth… and my narrow little lips.  I actually photoshopped the stains off.  My teeth are the reason I don’t smile too often. But if I didn’t know this was me than I would say it was a pretty smile.

So what did I get out of all of this?  Nothing…. absolutely nothing.  I still don’t feel beautiful.

So over the next couple months I am going to start a project. “How I see myself”.  Not exactly sure what I am going to do, or how I am going to do it… . But I think it is time to start loving me…

A lesson in goodbye

Most days it feels like I am watching my husband die right in front of me.  I am losing him.  I look at him and long to see the man I fell in love with….. but he is not all there.  My happiest days are when he is home on Sunday and he don’t shave – sad isn’t it?

There are days I feel so selfish – wishing and hoping that this would end and my husband will come back to me.  But we are WAY past the point of no return.  The man I fell in love with is withering right before my eyes.  Soon he will have to tell his family, and work – I am not looking forward to that day.  Will he still have a job?  Will his very religious and military parents accept his choice?  Will they still want to be a part of my childrens life?  There are so many things going through my head… so many questions.

I try not to let the anger get to me, but there are days I am so mad at him for doing this to our family.  WHY?????  I am so afraid of the future.  What does it hold?  Will I have to start over again?  Will I eventually fully accept his choices?  You can’t imagine (unless you have been in either my or my husband spot) how incredibly expensive this process is.  As a family we have suffered.  Between the cost of therapy, doctors, electrolysis, laser, 2 wardrobes and soon to come surgeries – How can we afford this?  I feel like I am giving up everything so that he can have it.

You know, I think I am more angry at myself – I don’t know why but I am!  I feel selfish, and I can’t explain why….  I feel like this is all my fault.  Maybe if I had given him more, this wouldn’t have happened!

I don’t know how much more I can take.  Our sex life has suffered, our hearts have suffered, my mental health is suffering.  I can’t break down – I have to be strong for my kids and for him!

I have to learn to let go and say goodbye – but I am so scared….. I just can’t do it…..

 

We are who we are….

I am grateful for my life.  I probably shouldn’t be here, but I am.  I was born from a drug/alcohol addict.  I was without fluids for the last 3 weeks in my mothers stomach, cause she was afraid to tell someone her water broke (Obviously you can pee yourself a lot while smoking crack and dropping acid).  So I am honestly grateful to be here, to breathe.

I have always tried to believe that we all have a purpose, and when our time is up we leave.  Everything happens for a reason.  What ever it may be that you believe – god, goddess, energy – what ever power you believe in, there a purpose for your being here.  I also believe you only go through what the powers that be believe you can handle.  So maybe there is a reason that it my husband… my very manly husband – is the way he is.  I can’t explain in words what an incredible person my husband is – he just is!  Maybe there is reason we were brought together after so many years…..

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”  John Jakes

I am not to sure who John Jakes is…. but he is right!

I have been looking at my husband for who he/she really is lately….. loving, caring, successful, supportive, smart… I could go on and on.  What he is going through has to be 10X’s harder than what I am going through.  Though now that he is at peace with who he is, and I am still on the journey of finding out who I really am. 

We are walking together right now, in the future our paths may split.. we are both aware of this, but it isn’t because of his sex, it will be because we have both changed and aren’t what the other is looking for.  We have accepted this.  He will always be my best friend, my soulmate… we may just not be married.  But for now I am sticking on this road with him, cause honestly there is no where else I would feel at home……

Who am I?

Why do I feel desired to ask that question?

I am a woman who adores her kids and believes they are her reason of being, even though they can be real little pricks at times.  I am woman that believes there is good in every single person, even if they are bad in the eyes of society.  I am a woman who lives her life by the sun and the moon, even though it brings with it sunburn and bug bites.  I am a woman who loves to be onstage, to hear the laughter or to bring a tear to their eye, to see them smile when the show is over – even if one of the reasons I love it is because it allows me to be someone else for a short time.  I am woman who takes great pride in her home, I like it to be comfortable and inviting, most importantly clean – even if the reason is because I grew up not so clean environment.  I am a woman who loves her husband with all she has and stands by him no matter what – even if I am also a woman whose not quite sure she will be able to love her “wife” the way he deserves to be loved.

I am happy, I am sad, I am alone, I am overwhelmed, I am angry, I am selfish, I am loving, I am patient, I am understanding, I am confused, I am mad…. I am lost.

So Who am I?  Or shall I ask it differently……. Who do I want to be?

I am a woman who wants to feel whole again……

The night he broke my heart….

So this is my first blog….. please be patient  🙂

My husband use to joke all the time and tell people he was a lesbian.  I never took note or thought anything about it until one day…

My husband had surprised me one weekend by getting someone to stay with the kids and taking me away.  This was something special for us.  We didn’t often get to do a lot of things together alone.  We have 3 children, and had just moved hundreds of miles away from our family and friends.  I was so excited – who would have known this was the night that would completely change my life and break my heart.

This is the night my husband told me he was transgender, and he was going to start transitioning to become a woman.  Talk about a kick in the gut…… At first I thought it was a joke – hence it was no joke at all.  He told me how he had struggled with this is whole life.  He didn’t feel whole, he was lost.

What do you say?  The question really is what did I say?  At first I just listened and tried to take in all that he was telling me.  My heart was breaking listening to him talk about how he felt.  I didn’t flip out, I told him that I would be there for him (as I am watching him put on woman’s underwear).  I was internally shaking.  Now I have watched my share of Lifetime movies (In fact my entire life is a Lifetime movie – we will get to that some other time), I just wanted to be there for him.  I knew that he would need me during this process. And I was fine, for about a week.  That is when I totally flipped out…. I got really depressed and cold towards my husband.  I started thinking about the kids, about our marriage, about “his” life.  I knew how hard this was going to be on our family……. our WHOLE family.

If he had felt this way his ENTIRE life why didn’t he ever tell me?  Before we started a family… before we got married?

The question in my head was – “Can I really love my husband the way he needs to be loved?”  I am not gay.  I have never been “interested” in women.  How could we last?  Was I strong enough to handle this?  But most importantly how was I going to live without him?  My husband is my rock, he is my true love.  I love everything about him.  He is my bestfriend.

For a couple weeks it was REALLY hard.  I could barely look at him.  He started wearing woman’s clothes and putting on makeup, which made me extremely uncomfortable.  I wanted to run!  I didn’t want to go through this.  I sat and thought about everything I had been through in my life up to this point…. It wasn’t fair!  WHY ME?  So what did I do?  I sucked it up… I went on like nothing was wrong.  Though so many things were (again for another time…).  We would stay up late into the night crying and expressing our fears and how we felt.  We still do this…

This all happened 2 years ago.  It has been a very long process.  I struggle with it daily, but I am still here.  I still love my husband.  One minute I am thinking… “I can do this.” and the next minute I am screaming in uncontrollable anger.  But I am working through it….. I have to for my husband and children.

So this is why I started this blog.  First cause I cant really talk to many people about it.  Hell my husband hasn’t even told his family yet.  I cant scream and cry about something this serious on Facebook, now can I?  That is why I am writing this incognito… that is until the day I can tell the world, and don’t have to hide it. So I am hoping to maybe find a few “Blogging” friends that can help.  Even if it is just a kind word or a small piece of advice.

Til next time……

LunaStar